True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
