How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize