My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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