were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
