The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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