i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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