i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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