So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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