Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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