I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
