peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
