I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
