i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
