she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
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