imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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