if i can run in heels then i can drive
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
