Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
