Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i was born a porn star she said
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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