I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
