Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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