her vagina looked like bernie madoff
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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