Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
