wanna go halves on a baby?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
