Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
