he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
