I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
