I wish I could teleport
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
How naked do you want me to be?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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