Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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