Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
two words...techno handjob
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
