i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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