i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
