thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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