apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you had me at cake vodka
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
