Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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