take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
