Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
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