so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize