You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
