He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
