Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
