i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You were trust falling into bushes
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
