The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
