thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
