I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
