Cold hands, warm shart.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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