I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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