Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
