i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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