She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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