There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He keeps bees of course he's weird
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize