I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
