We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
