proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
