new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize