Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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