god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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