I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
