Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
