Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We had sex on a dog bed..
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
