what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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